Axter was the grandfather of cowboy poetry. Classanr and Axter first crossed trails during Classanr’s Wandering Years. The Slatterly Incident, although retold by Classanr, was a typical Axter event. In 1878 Axter and Sue and Classanr tried their hand at a travelling magic show.
Axter has a penchant for finding buried people who have no tombstone. He does some research, then makes one they deserve. People called those “Klakitaths”.
If there had been spray paint in the 1800’s, Axter Klak would have been a tagger. He had to make do with chalk and a pen knife. In his adult years, he discovered the joys of carving stone. He would locate unmarked graves of the forgotten for whom he’d seek out their story, then carve a tombstone, place his verse, and plant his short Klakitaths for others to read. We have taken the time to locate several of Axter’s works, and present them here for your reading pleasure. Entire lives summed up in short verse. Tweets carved in stone, if you will.
One cemetery in particular called Axter back on an annual pilgrimage. That would be Boot Hill above Sue’s BarBarBar Ranch in the hills west of Jhesephat City. That particular cemetery is the abode of several unusual people who’s demise was of passing remark, but otherwise never made it to the history books.
The grounds of repose also provided a comfort station for the bereaved, complete with a door for a modest amount of privy privacy.
The inside of said backhouse door was Axter’s first ten-year serialized publication. At last reading, this is what remains inscribed on that door.
| If ye sat, but only farted Please think of the broken hearted Who’s loved ones are out there sleepin’ Caint have drink, ‘n caint share eatin’. Axter 1868 | If you finally work it all out Do so quiet-like, please don’t shout-out. Let their loved ones git their deep rest. While you sit, ‘n do your best-est. Klak 1869 |
| If you fergot to bring some paper Pray the Lord it comes out tapered. But if yer business becomes testin’, Thank the Lord yer guts ain’t restin’. A.K. 1870 | When the flies git too annoyin’ Thank the Lord t’ain’t worms a-borin’ ‘N that hummmm is flies a-buzzin’ Not the sound of neighbors snuzzin’ A.K. 1871 |
| Would you kindly clean yer mess up? Wipe the rim, don’t leave the seat up! When you stand, yer pants to take up Don’t slam the door, our friends will wake up. A.K. 1872 | If you’re feelin’ cold ‘n lonely Just think if this had been Wyomin’, Dead of winter, minus twenty Winds a-blowin’, snows a-plenty. A.K. 1873 |
| Snow so deep you bring a shovel Dig twenty feet down to this hovel. Jest as you start to sittin’ onboard Twenty more feet come fallin’ downward. A.K. 1874 | If it’s heat that yer complainin’ It will cool when it starts rainin’. But if it rains, you best be runnin’. This house don’t float when it be floodin’. A.K. 1875 |
| If you caint swim, don’t even ask it, Grab yerself a passin’ casket. Keep yer head above the water, ‘N pretend you are Noah’s daughter. A.K. 1876 | One good thing when it is snowin’ No one hears ya, if you be blowin’. Jest don’t smoke, ‘n catch on fire, Or this house will be yer pyre. A.K. 1877 |
| If you haven’t burnt this house down, ‘N yer not stuck in icy meltdown, If this was just a passin’ day, then By all means, enjoy yer stay, friend! A.K. 1878 |
A Few Klakitaths
| Another somebody Who ain’t nobody No more. b-? d-1871 | Sometimes the dyin’ beats the cryin’ The anguish of life’s passin’ through. These kids were golden, so God’s now holdin’ Their hands. They all died from the flu. b-1871,72,73,74,75,76 d-1877 |
| Mattias Greenlawn b-1823 d-1872 Here lies a lender man Who’s foreclosures made us slaves. So on the day we filled his grave Our notes were in his hand. | Nutty Ned Natchez b-1863 d-1878 He put his hand up ‘n stopped the plow. He put his hand up ‘n stopped the rain. He put his hand up ‘n stopped the cows. He put his hand up but dint stop the train. |
| Sally Shugart b-1833 d-1867 Her favorite it was poison Tho’ she’d knife ya when in haste. She’d done away her husbands For their money that she’d waste. Seventeenth tempted man Who took her for his wife Wanted all her money So he traded off her life. This plot be lyin’ empty Alongside the sixteen The only man in many Who avoided bein’ weaned. | Here lies the world’s worst robber. He thought he’d rob the bank. Walked up to the blacksmith cobbler Aimed his pistol right at Frank. Frank knocked the gun into the fire The heat set off the gun. The bullets struck the robber dire Whose life left with the sun. He’d dressed himself like a dandy Which came in mighty handy. Made for a right nice burial Tho’ he be smellin’ rather randy. b-? d-1870 |
| John wasn’t famous. He didn’t know so much He was Lisa’s perfect husband For her that was enough. b-1832 d-1853 | Tho’ Lisa was some older John was her only man. Together now forever Died making their last stand. b-1830 d-1853 |
| Brahman Bob Bostic b-? d-1869 He rode down from Boulder To buy up all our town. His cheques were made of rubber So he bought up six feet down. | He was no one that we knew Not from around these parts. Just a drifter who wind blew To be hauled off in a cart. b-? d-1877 |
| Luke Chute b-1842 d-1872 He shot up the clerk He shot up the store But our Sheriff shot him He aint shootin’ here no more! | John Plum b-1808 d-1870 A storekeep Just a shriveld plum. We caught him Tryin’ to scale his thumb. |
| James Crank b-1799 d-1871 Born with an empty bequest. Died with most of it left. | Sleeves McGee b-184? d-1874 A gambler by trade ’til the fifth ace he played. |
| Miss T. Triumfant b-unk d-1873 Little Trixie was her name Liftin’ skirtin’ was her game. She thought her back Would bring her fame But all that’s left Is a little stain. | Patrick G. Arrought b-1823 d-1853 He was a town sheriff He stood up for the law. He stood up to a bullet That was the last straw. |
| Cashly McNichols b-1822 d-1872 He was a robber-banker He drank with evil men He eschewed the six gun Preferred the fountain pen. | Prosspec Thor b-1822 d-1849 He were jest a miner Lookin’ fer some gold Found lead in his chest Before he’s very old. |
| Paul Thackerous B-1830 d-1867 Paul married Maud When Maud was high-toot’n Paul died quick When Maud went a-shoot’n | Maud (Lovejoy Thackerous B-1850 d-1867 Maud loved Paul Paul loved women! Here lies Maud For Paul’s kill’n |
| Q.D. McGraugh b-1842 Paris d-1867 Jhesephat City All he wanted was a plot of land to raise some horses. To make his stand. Here he lies. Horses returned. This thief caint ride. His body’s interned. | Injun Joe b-? d-1853 Strange little fella He never washed clothes. Just layered on more So nobody’d know. We stripped off death’s layers To where the sun never tanned. That’s why he’s no bather, Miss Joe wern’t no man! |
| James Wester Hardly b-185? d-1873 The stage and the train The rich and the wreck Under threat of his guns Signed his paycheck. | JoeBob McCrie b-1842 d-1863 Kick’n ‘n holler’n Got life dead wrong Even was born with Cowboy boots on. |
| “Baby” Smith b-1859 d-1860 Dint have nuthin’ While on Earth Dint even get His money’s worth. | Baltimore Joe b-1857 d-1878 Born in Baltimore Home of red orioles He swung on the sycamore His home’s in red soil. |
| M. Berga Treufel b-1835 d-1878 Don’t just stand there giving aires I once, like you, was standing there All fired to live. But you will see. I once was you, soon you’ll be me. |
The Shootout – Axter Klak
BLAM BLAM, BLAM BLAM BLAM!
The lawman fired his gun.
The Bad Guy at the other end
Had his back against the sun.
The lawman’s bullets all struck the church,
Tho the Bad Guy stood stock still.
He hadn’t even drawn his gun,
And wondered if he will.
The Bad Guy gave a knowing smirk.
Tho he risked more exposure,
He called out to the lawman:
“Shall I move a tad bit closer?”